The fear of change

Ok, I've gathered no one reads this so I get to be as honest as I want, without worrying about sounding like a emotionally overwrought drama queen.

Lonely.

I was never the most popular kid in school. Never had a gang or clique of girls to do girly things with. Never the teachers pet, nor the Mommy's or Daddy's girl. Don't mean to be melodramatic but was always a bit detached and felt like an outsider a lot.

Later on in life, the social pace picked up, got a really good friend who shared my sarcasm and goofy humour, a bunch of girls to hang out with on weekends and when I got tired of that, a bunch of guys to excite me and worry my parents.

In hindsight, I think I was just always looking for someone who just knew me, inside out, love my quirks and yet understand me and believe the best in me. I guess that everybody is like that at the end of the day - just looking for someone to love them.

I remember thinking sometimes, amidst a flurry of activity around me, people buzzing and talking, I remember just never really connecting with any of them. Yes, we had tons of fun, drank and danced and made jokes, but I remember never feeling so completely lonely in my life.

I'm still as pathetically hung up over Mark as I was more than a month ago and he first told me it wasn't working out. Its gone down a notch, moved on from tragic despair to just a settled depression. I swear I'm trying to talk myself out of it but it's not working.

I stay at home and try to get a hold of my feelings, face them, and accept them and live with myself, but that doesn't work either. I go out, do something I enjoy, meet new people and talk but that just reminds me of how I'd just rather be with him. It's gotten quite out of hand. I don't really wanna talk about it to anyone as there's nothing to say but to admit my state of utter loneliness.

I hope that one day I can look back on this and laugh and curse at my naivety and emotional rawness. But right now, I'm just trying to get over it. And nothing makes u forget like another love.

But because I'm not ready, I've opted for a change in lifestyle instead. Well sort of, anyway.

Next weekend, I will be getting on a plane, again to KL for an interview with Emirates Airlines. Being a stewardess is something I've always considered despite my lack of grace and poise, not to mention patience, but you always learn something right??
I don't necessarily disagree with my parents and well-meaning friends that this isn't a wise career move but hell, I'm only 22, young enough to make mistakes and not have to pay for them with the rest of my life.

I do love the job I have now and the certain credibility (and sometimes dubious stigma) that comes with it, but I'm stuck in a rut. I need to learn, I need to experience more and that's what I keep trying to tell myself to make this career change for a bit.

Incidentally, I'd give this pursuit up for a greater feeling, but that didn't work out. So here I am.