A simple existence

Ok its been a while, a terrible while since the last post.
To be honest I've kinda gone off blogging, but since people have tried ferociously and failed to find the inner workings and petty thoughts of my head in this blog, I thought I'd just do this one. After all, I do enjoy putting my thoughts down in words occassionally. Good venting, And no one but the whole world to judge.

A lot of things have changed since the last post (hell, its been more than a year!) and unsuprisingly, its usually the emotional bits that affect me the most.

Work has got its up and downs, And i've gotten used to the fact that though I am learning still everyday, it is not quite enough for my curious mind. I have another interest lined up, which I think is right up my alley, in an industry which I'd love to join. But till that is confirmed, I wont get into it.

I've been going out with the fish expert (from now on to be referred to as Fishy) for over a year now. And when I look back, I remember crying myself to sleep alot, I remember screaming matches and just general sadness. Of course there are good times. Most of them during the first two months of our relationship, and a few scattered in between. Then it is the vunerable moments. Often alcohol induced, that allows him to open up and tell me what he's feeling.

Its not the relationship I dreamed of, it is not even a relationship I'll bear with. But I do. So much of what I like about him is not on show. And though I know he is not mean spirited in person, some of the things that he's said to me, have been the worse I've ever heard. It is probably what some might call a destructive relationship. And being the weakling I am, I can't get out. Problem is, I'm not even sure I want to. I want to get out of the stinking rut, but I want to be with him. And I've tried talking to him. Believe me, I dont have a problem talking about what I want.

So while I hang in precarious balance wondering whether I'll ever be happy in what seems like a half-arsed, tumultous relationship, I've met someone who is precisely what I crave in my relationship now.

And he is fantastic.

Which means that I am screwed basically.