Keeping sane

The last one month or so has been an emotional ride into hell and back.

I am exhausted, emotionally-wringed and strained from trying to extract myself from my unfulfilling relationship intact, and without causing too much hatred.

Between that and trying to not aggravate rumours in a small town, keeping my friendships intact, and one special person close, and having to constantly placate the angry n bitter ex, and you have one very tired and stressed out me.

And i do mean stressed out. So much so that I had an actual urine infection from forgetting to drink water and just basically not looking after myself.

It was hard, because I love the man and I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do, or am I really just reacting on the situation I'm in. He makes me unhappy because of the time he cannot spend with me, his inability to open up emotionally and express himself, his temper, which leads to very hurtful arguments, and the insecurities which causes all that.

On the other hand, there is another man, who seems so much more compatible, the chemistry between us in inavoidable, and the emotional connection is something that I've grown to depend on. He is wonderfully supportive, patient and his companionship is addictive.

SO what does the average person do?

This one tried to make herself happy.

And believe me, it is HARD. You can never ever please everyone. Especially if u get too deep in it like I did.

And its tough, trying to believe that you do in fact, have the best intentions, because even if you do, you'll find yourself questionning your decisions and your actions and juggling people's perceptions and potentially destructive rumours.

I know I shouldnt care, but its a small town, much smaller social circle, and I'm weak. I need friends, support, and distractions, to reassure me that I'm not the bitch some might think I am for being unhappy in a relationship and looking for happiness somewhere else.

The friends who have offered hugs and reassuring words, the ones who have pushed off rumours and talk, and the ones who have respected this hard phase I am going through, I am forever indebted to them. Words cannot express how hard its been, the sleepless nights and morning, the frequents nightmares and daydreams, and the constant worries and fears they have alleviated.

Thank you to those who have stood by me, even if it is only to just smile and offer to chat, or a friendly face. I am a nobody in this, or possibly the villain, and thank you for closing that one eye.