Lying low

The last week has been quite an experience. To celebrate my being the lady of the house, I bought a ton of stuff from the Supermarket on Sunday. Because it costed a lot more than I could afford, I promised myself I would not eat dinner out the entire week.

So I cooked. Everyday. And I didn't go out, almost everynight.

Its kinda cool, I sat in front of the TV, watched reruns of America's Next Top Model (fashion victim) and for once, catched all 3 CSI at its original time slot. very TV geek of me, and I relish it.

On Wednesday I gingerly ventured out, because a dear friend of mine was in Kk for a couple of days, and I wanted to meet her fiance. A mutual friend however, decided that the catch up session would be at the Office Pub, on quiz night. Haunt of the poison spewer. *sigh*

So I went anyway, fully intending to mind my own business and go there to do what I went there to. Spend some time with my friend and get to know her fiance. And get some quiz time(geek!).

Things were fine at first, and the Poison-spewer (henceforth to be known as PS) but later on a push and shove fight broke out and the kepoh people that were are, were straining our necks to see what was going on.

I poked my head in between the PS and a mutual friend and just said aloud "wonder what they arguing abt?"

PS replied "Obviously someone who thinks that white people are better than asian."

For fucks sake, even mutual friend, who is a bit of a bitch herself, was like 'huh???'

I ended up leaving the place five minutes after, my head reeling, and my heart hurting.
*sigh*

I really should not let such trivial things bother me, especially coming from someone who means so little to me. But as I have said before, its not her, its the fact that some of my friendships, and relationships have taken a hit because of her.

Someone pointed out that those who can be persuaded are not your true friends anyway has a point.

But still.

Trust is a hard thing to earn. It takes years of honing and growing and nurturing. Years of mistakes made, resentments, and quiet acceptance. And then someone blows a bad wind that way, it tears down, and then takes longer to build.

I remind myself everyday that this is just another phase of life I'll have to go through. And this too, shall pass, and I will become a stronger and better person at the end of it. But goddamn, this is hard. The break-up is hard enough. PS herself is a bitch to deal with on her own. The fact that I dont know who to trust anymore, that is tough. That is the worst feeling in the world. Two of my friends, who I think PS has affected the most, I'm withdrawing from.

I know I'm not always right to, but I cannot help it. I believe that the people I surround myself with, are some of the best people I will know. When that belief is shrouded, whether or not its confirmed, its hard to give the benefit of doubt willingly again.

When I heard of things that were said behind my back, I use my experience with the person, replay past events and situations in my head, and ascertain the possibility that it couldve happen. When its entirely possible, then the trust is belied. I cannot help it. Its human nature to put up defenses when you're vunerable to attack.

I have always tried to treat people like I want to be treated. I derail and fail on occasion, but I believe my intentions are sincere. When I am crossed, I feel alone.