Aftermath

Last night was rough. I surprisingly didn't cry as much as I thought I would. But I made enough effort to ensure that I wouldn't have much of a chance to.

I didn't expect it, I really didn't. Part of me dreaded it cos' I felt for weeks like he was drifting away. And I did what I should never have done. I fought against it. Vehemently. I never wanted to not be with him. I loved him whole heart and soul. Too much so, apparently.

Like I said, I had gone so far out on my emotions, I didn't realise I was standing alone. I thought we were always in it together.

I was in shock when he said we should break up. My heart plummeted, and I suddenly thought of what would life be like without him. And I just couldn't bear the thought. He was my best friend. My ally, my partner in crime. My lover, my stronghold, my reason to get through the day.

So I again did, what I should never have done, never could imagine doing. I begged him not to. Never in my life have I begged. Not with anyone, no matter how hurt. But I just couldn't let him walk out of my life just like that. I said the world's corniest lines, ones that I couldn't believe were coming out of my mouth. Honestly, just hearing it from me was weird, but I knew no shame. I had to ask. My pride was nowhere in sight.

But he wouldn't change his mind. I offered compromises, I admitted guilt, and that its me. I tried so hard. So I left eventually. Walking away was so hard, I felt like I was walking away from the only happiness in my life.

I cried and cried and I cried till I couldn't anymore. I had to pull myself cos I had to go to a function. At his workplace no less. Where I'd have to face the people he talked about all the time.

It was painful. I didn't want to sms him, just to share the little bit of info, or gossip or insight. It was so painful. As I sat watching the show, I was half numb, half holding back tears. Some had managed to squeeze through. I couldn't help it. I was just too sad for words.

I went out after that, on a mission to keep my mind occupied and busy till I couldnt think. It worked to some extent. I met people, I got to know a friend a lot better, and best of all, by the time I got home I was to tired and sleepy to think.

Waking up this morning however, was no mean feat. I was lethargic, hungover, and my heart was broken. I didn't want to wake up, to face life, to go through the day. I wanted to sleep my life away and hope it was a dream. A nightmare actually.

I am coping. Not well, but I am.

I can only see this getting worse.